Well I wasn’t planning on writing anymore on my mental health issues but sometimes things conspire against you and the only way to battle it is to be open, so its time for part 3 in this series
Note if you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about go and read part 1 of this series it’s here
This post should be called ‘why it’s not a good idea to let your guard down’ and I think it’s something many people who suffer from mental health issues can relate to. you see I spend my life trying to manage my condition, I know what triggers it and I try to keep away from those things, sometimes I do well other times I don’t. as you can guess currently I’m struggling to keep a lid on stuff, work is stressful, homelife is manic and I just haven’t had time to relax and spend time recharging my batteries.
To top things off we decided to record an episode of Meeples and Miniatures where we would talk about mental health. the idea behind this is very noble, both myself and Neil have mental health issues and we wanted to share ways we cope with it and hopefully help people who might be going through the same stuff.
but to do this we had to open up about our conditions, as you can’t just say ‘hey if you suffer from a dodgy brain go and talk to your doctor’ as that’s crap and doesn’t help anyone
so we had a plan
- talk about our experiences
- talk about the symptoms we both have
- talk about ways to get help
- talk about the way the hobby can help (or helps us)
being the Meeples show we chatted around the first 3 subjects at random and we both opened up, Neil more than I did. and we really went into how we got help.
The hardest thing with mental health is making that first step to get help, because the thing you have to do first is accept you have a problem and then you have to tell somebody and that is very very hard to do
but its important and we both told our experiences of making that first step and how its not really that scary.
maybe we should have stopped there, but we didn’t because we wanted to cover point 4, how the hobby helps.
I will admit that parts of the hobby do really help me, but I also have some issues with other parts and it was when we talked about these and how I cope with them that I let my guard down and I let the real me out of the box where I keep it hidden.
the rest of the recording was a bit of a blur we tried to end up on a fun section and by that time the public me was back in charge.
I went to bed exhausted and mentally shot and obviously couldn’t sleep because my mind was racing
so what I should have done was just spend the next day being quiet and sorting myself out, but I didn’t, instead I chucked myself back into work and I kept my twitter fed open
this was a huge mistake as stuff happened and I foolishly let innocent words trigger me and I lashed out at 2 mates. I then compounded it by making a huge statement basically telling everyone to go and do one and then I just hide away and tried to rationalise what I had done.
I had done the worst thing possible, I had let my condition win and take control of my emotions and I acted like a jerk.
so now I’m sat at home doing what I should have done yesterday, I’ve taken a days leave and I’m doing nothing except getting my head straight and trying to get back in control
maybe that’s why I had to write this post, maybe sometimes people need to know that people who suffer from mental illness spend each day walking a tightrope and sometimes we fall off and do stuff we can’t control. but don’t feel sorry for us, just try to understand that we can’t help it and trust me we all feel terrible for putting our friends through it.
I guess what I really want from my friends is for them to treat me normally, if I’m a jerk, just tell me.
but do it nicely if you can